3 reasons why your holiday leads to a divorce

1. The expectation

We finally think of vacations and look forward to sleeping, sex, good food and a lot of time together. In front of our inner eye is the image of paradise, in which we are all happy, laughing and having a carefree time together. And then comes the reality check. Many couples experience a holiday together as the first chapter on the long road to divorce:

  • Instead of sex there is a fight.
  • Instead of communication, they experience the 4 apocalyptic riders in action.
  • Instead of spending a lot of time together, they manage to organize their time together so that they do not have to spend much time together.

What remains is the disappointment both on vacation and after vacation. Because the holiday should finally be a nice time for two and / or as a family again. Instead, we often experience how alien we are on vacation . We ask if he / she is really the life-partner?

One of the reasons for the disappointment are our expectations . We look forward to the holiday and expect that all the things that annoy us in everyday life disappear on vacation by itself. We expect from our partner that he / she listens, helps, is interested in us, etc. etc. Interestingly, the same is also expected of us. Here we forget the satisfaction and expectation formula:

Contentment = Achieved / Expected

In a study on the topic Sexzufriedenheit in relations researchers concluded that we assumptions about the satisfaction of other couplesthat cause us to be dissatisfied with our own holiday. In other words - assuming that all people (except us) have a great holiday, this will make us disappointed with our holiday. Excessive expectations in a holiday often causes us to be disappointed. If I assume, for example, that I will have sex on holiday every day and I only have it twice a week then I am disappointed. But if I am looking forward to having sex with my partner without putting the quantity in the foreground then my satisfaction will be higher.

2. The continuation of the perfection trap

In my practice as a mediator, couples often come to me whose communication has collapsed in everyday stress. One of the causes for this is the perfection trap. The perfection trap is expressed in the fact that we as a couple have a lot of expectations and ideas about the relationship. These expectations are extended by a few chapters when we contract. The perfectly managed household, the clean apartment, the well-dressed children etc. etc. are examples of unconsciously stressful everyday content of many families. Unconsciously, we assume that there is a minimum standard, for example, on the cleanliness of an apartment that "everyone" has. The more perfectionist the personality the heavier the perfection trap.

Many couples take their perfection claims on vacation. They want to make sure it's the perfect vacation. Perfect accommodation, very good food and a lot of fun time together. On vacation, we want to look perfect, to be the perfect family / happy family. But when we have time for each other for the first time after a long time, we also need some time for this new form of organization (foreign place, other people, etc.) to "work".

Ways out of the perfection trap

The challenge, therefore, is to pre-determine for yourself what is realistic and what is not. I can not wipe out relationship problems for 10-12 months in 2-3 weeks of vacation. I can very well start doing it together and to experience the relationship positively. Especially when a couple has children and is in everyday life in the normal organizational perfection trap, it is important to clarify each other beforehand what both expect the holiday. The following questions are important:

  • What is important on holiday and what is not?
  • Does it have to be super food every night and if so who does it?
  • What can we do new / different?
  • What do we want to experience or try out?

For both sides, it is necessary to do what is important for yourself on vacation and for the relationship. Determining what we both want in small steps is nothing more than not talking about it and assuming that he / she "knows what I like the most". Classic pair conflicts on vacation arise, for example, when a side is doing sports and not discussed with the other side before planning. The joint conversation about needs and expectations of the holidays helps here. For example, it could be talked about which 3 things I expect and wish for myself.

3. Lack of boredom - what many of us can not do anymore

Relax, think of nothing, "come down". That's what most people want on vacation , according to a recent study . However, we usually do not create the conditions for this. For a prerequisite for relaxation is eg allow boredom , make no plans, really do nothing or live in the day. Admittedly, in a world where we touch our smartphone a day on average 2000 times, this is very difficult. If you have children it is even more difficult because they need a program. Or is that what you really need? Maybe you would rather need "Quality time" with you? And that can just be together, playing with each other, going to the forest and experiencing something there.

Back to Reason 3 - Why is missing boredom on vacation a divorce ground for many people? In everyday life we ​​succumb - see Reason 2 - the perfectionism trap. In its full version, the perfectionism model often leads to burnout-like conditions . This antipol to boredom becomes a challenge on holiday. Who is used to communicate every day over Whatsapp with family and friends, 10 times on FAcebook to check what's going on, even more often to see if there is an important email, etc. etc. It is very difficult to rest.

The smartphone on vacation

A tip against it on vacation is therefore clear, NOT to use the Smartphone, except for the telephone. And there it is enough that there is a mobile box check with callback option once a day. Why is this so important? Studies show that we are more nervous and less attentive when we have our smartphone near us (same room). The following example occurs to me: Imagine you are sitting on vacation at lunch or dinner and 1 smartphone rings, beeps or makes a different sound. What is happening? The attention of the people present is focused on the important message that has come in. The conversation is interrupted directly or indirectly. In the working context, it has been proven that even a message "You received a message" takes several minutes until we can concentrate fully again. This is even more true for the holidays. When we're online all the time, we can not get down. If we do not come down, it is not possible for our souls to touch each other or to overlap our attention circles.

What is real boredom like on vacation?

That's a good question - because I rarely experience it. It starts with the fact that I do not look at my mobile phone first thing in the morning , but only during the day, optimally in the evening ceiling to see what has come in. Then I lie in bed and just look up in the air for a few minutes. The holiday is not planned yet. Only at breakfast is talked about what we do today. Maybe we will not do anything then. I was on vacation on the beach in Denmark this summer. This works very well because the weather changes so often that a fixed planning is not possible. Best conditions for spontaneous boring.

Why is boredom so important?

Jesper Juul says boredom is the prerequisite for children to be creative, The challenge lies with the parents, that the children are not being spotted or that there are constant new program suggestions. This is similar for adults. I realize that only then can I spin new thoughts, or be creative, when my head is empty. Then new associations arise. In my case helps here, for example, a lot of sleep, or in time to go to bed. In addition a breeze movement or regular sport and good food. This should be best prepared together. Then it is even harder to think about the work or problems. And then go for a swim in the sea or look in the forest mushroom. And already this feeling of "not planning" or "non-thinking" sets in.

When the holiday is over ....

What do I do if the above reasons have occurred and the holiday was a disaster? Take your time and talk to it. Talk to each other about what you two can do to make it different on your next vacation. Go through each item and talk about your expectations, what in the next vacation not (more) must be so perfect and how and where you can allow boredom. Have fun trying.

No comments:

Post a Comment